Mr. Right in the Center Aisle at Church

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Photo credit:  betches Instagram page.

My family’s fasting and prayers for me to get married soon is turning into a hunger strike.  As someone who appreciates the value of great food, I can’t continue to sit back in good conscience knowing there are people around me starving.

I’m getting right with God, and meeting Mr. Right Saturday nights at Mercury Bar won’t get the job done anymore.  So I’m venturing into the realm of dating in the church.

Now before you pass any judgement, where else would you begin your search for a good, God-fearing man in the Sodom and Gomorrah that is New York City?

Now I may not be Beyonce or Rihanna, but I’m definitely a Mindy Kaling.  So naturally, I’m used to at least a handful of men offering to shower me with drinks (figuratively and literally – one guy shared his fantasy of licking spilled champagne off of my naked body).  The days of hanging around in bars are over for me, but I don’t really have any eligible bachelors approaching me in the same way at church.  Is it because of the lack of liquid courage? (Holy Communion shouldn’t/doesn’t count, that would be utterly reckless).

I’m not sure how to navigate this new environment.  Not sure of the rules on who approaches who first, and how we express our attraction towards one another in the absence of dry-humping to “Slow Motion“.

And then there are the “petty females” (to be discussed in future post).  APPARENTLY, we still betrothing chics outchea (read “out here”).  Apparently, the church is a “be chose or be alone” dog-eat-dog type of world.  And once a girl has considered herself “chose” (minus the ring, the wedding dress and all other indications of matrimony) DON’T YOU DARE try to even look towards her “man”.  That’s never and would never stop me, mind you, except that I’m getting right with God, and that dictates that I must avoid cat fights at all costs (the cat fights in church are annoyingly passive-aggressive, btw).

This is not an advice column, this is my public diary where I ask you all to help me get my life.  How do you date in the church?  Somebody tell me (my family’s life depends on it, see image above).

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