If you’re gonna thirst for a man to wife you, better make sure he knows how to do the math (literally).
Michelle Obama got it right. She didn’t make her way out of the hood of Chicago ghost-riding the whip with some underedumacated* wanna-be gangsta. She got THE RIGHT ONE – the first Black leader of the free world!
Hanging out in the trap is cool and all, but when you and I (finally) grow up, imma tell you why we’ll need a #NERDBAE to invest in for the long haul:
1. You need the kind of brother that gets that white-collar bread that derives dividends.
He still needs to keep in 100 out in the streets – you don’t want nobody acting brand new, like it wasn’t just yesterday that he used to mix ReaLemon with tap water and sugar when he wanted some lemonade. But we also can’t keep eating hood pizza (when you toast some sliced bread with Ragu sauce and Kraft shredded mozzarella on it in the oven). Make sure your bae knows what an IRA and a Class A stock is and can plan for each accordingly.
2. If your auntie/uncle/sister/brother/cousin/mama/papa still acting wild in the hood, Nerd Bae might be able to get them out of trouble.
You ever watched the O. J. Simpson trial, how Johnnie Cochran did somersaults over that jury that was DYING to lock O. J. up, some way some how??? Yeah, Nerd Bae can do that for you and yours. You better get yourself over to Columbia Law School with some fresh mascara on. (Barack graduated from Columbia, and now he can get ALL of Michelle’s relatives presidential pardons if necessary – like a BOSS.)
3. Nerd Baes help you step your professional game up.
You might not be worried about a job if Nerd Bae is raking in those coins, BUT if you still wanna be an independent woman, conversations with Nerd Bae will keep the mind SHARP. Try talking to your boss after conversing with bae about the possible risks to consumer brand loyalty in the age of big data analytics – you just might earn a raise and/or a promotion.
4. If you find the right one, Nerd Baes are the most romantic and go out of their way to keep it SPICY.
Girls in the Hood – I’m tired of walking down Adam Clayton and 125th Street hearing y’all yelling through the phone, asking your baby daddy why he took his side chick to Sylvia’s and not you. It’s time for you to make better life decisions and wed you a Nerd Bae who can afford to wine and dine you below 96th Street. Now this is an art, cause you gotta stay clear of the clingy ones, but you don’t want the Sheldon Coopers in the batch either. And after he treats you like a queen with his nerd charm, best believe the loving he can give to you is JUST as strong (mmhm hmm).
5. Nobody tryna spend the rest of their life with a gang-banging geriatric.
If your man still dons flags and throws up signs WHILE claiming Social Security, then you’ve been robbed of the finer things in life. I’m sorry. As for me, I plan on spending my golden years with Nerd Bae on an island we bought out in the Caribbean, sipping tea and reciting classic spoken word poetry (you know, enjoying the boogie things in life).
Now I’m not too naive to believe that some of you females aren’t gonna ignore this advice and still chase after the cat-callers and the whisperers. At least I put it out there and can stand before God in good faith and say “I tried to tell ’em!”
#NERDBAES, how you doing? What’s your number? 😉
*”underedumacated” is how uneducated people would say “uneducated”.